Written to soothe Lisette Gallows, who is easily the worst person to take to a horror movie.
It’s common knowledge that the act of sexual intercourse attracts supernatural non-human aggressive persons (SNAPs). Being a sexually active young human-person sharing the same world with supernatural serial killers, werewolves, and other aggressive non-human persons, statistically means having a lower survival rate. Sex is so linked to death by SNAPs that some of us, eg. vampires, use sexual attractiveness as a means of luring more ill-informed prey. Indeed abstinence is an almost fool-proof way to avoid any supernatural encounter (provided you have aged out of that stage of early human development where your vulnerability makes you both cute and terrifying). But a different type of danger is exposed in the new documentary “It Follows.” Directed by David Robert Mitchell, “It Follows” explores what some less culturally sensitive human-people are calling “sexually transmitted monsters.”
As American human-persons, you may feel you have the right to engage in rampant sex with anyone at any time without risking death by dismemberment, blood loss, and/or non-consensual supernatural sex acts. We sometimes disagree. We understand that it can be frustrating when poor life-choices result in a supernatural non-human aggressive person slowly pursuing, and inevitably rape/murdering the human-person who made said poor life-choices. But always bear in mind, that the SNAP has feelings too and probably doesn’t like being referred to as a monster. In this spirit, we tracked down The Thing Which Follows as it trudged purposefully towards… some place in New Jersey, maybe Philly. We’re not sure who it’s after right now, some meat-sack. Point is, we wanted to show human-persons both the SNAP perspective and to give the same human-persons a rough guideline to weathering this particular threat. You know, so they’re still alive for the rest of us to eat later.
The Thing Which Follows, a well-known member inside the SNAP community, has always been somewhat shy and uncommunicative with its human prey. The Thing Which Follows shares the joy of the relentless pursuit with mindless-type zombies, but unlike the highly visible walking undead community, who enjoy hunting reasonably informed humans, The Thing Which Follows has generally kept a low profile. In the interest of human-person and non-human person relations, The Thing Which Follows agreed to be interviewed… well, not interviewed since it’s unknown whether it can actually speak. We sat down… we walked besides this interesting and integral member of the SNAP community and asked it… questions which it did not answer.
Listen, here’s what I know about surviving sexually transmitted monsters.
- Practice safe sex.
As discussed above, the most certain way to protect your fragile soul-shell is to never have sex. Like ever. The next best thing is to practice safe sex. And this is good advice to prevent attacks by all supernatural non-human aggressive persons. If you must have sex, always be in a safe indoor location. Avoid sex in cars, abandoned warehouse, parks and all other poorly-lit public places. If possible, be in a monogamous relationship before having sex, for at least three months. That should be plenty of time to detect unexplainable flights of terror, unusual paranoia, and possible death by blood-loss and rape before the so-called “curse” (we like to think of it as an invitation) can be unknowingly transferred to you. Also, it’s a good idea to talk openly with your potential partner about his/her/its previous experience with sexually transmitted SNAPs.
- Practice gay sex.
It has been theorized due to the entity’s heteronormative and highly conservative values, The Thing Which Follows will not transmit its “invitation” during same-sex encounters. This has not been confirmed by traditional scientific study or occult research, but there have been no known cases of gays, lesbians, or transgendered human-people contracting sexually transmitted SNAPs. This advice only works for The Thing Which Follows; be aware that practicing homosexual sex makes you a target for vampires and fairies.
Perhaps this advice has fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps it’s already too late and you, unfortunate meat-sack, have already contracted a sexually transmitted SNAP and are checking the internet for a solution during a brief period of rest before The Thing Which Follows catches up with you. Again. Maybe check behind you just in case.
1) Pass it on.
2) Pursue a career in piloting and/or long distance trucking.
If for moral reason you cannot pass along the curse and you are content to live a sexless existence (how did you catch it in the first place?), consider lucrative career paths that will keep you from being in the same place for a long time.
3) Get good at calculating walking speeds, triangulation, etc.
It is possible with good math and discipline to triangulate you position so that The Thing Which Follows never has the chance to get close enough to you to feed. For example, if you drive two hours East to work and then drive one hours North-west to your recreational place, then drive one hour South-west to your sleeping place, The Thing Which Follows might not get close to you giving you eight hours of sleep, work, and play… oh humans still live in a 24 hour day? Fuck it, I’m bad at math and they’re just walking snack-packets as far as I’m concerned.
4) Pass it Along.
Seriously, keep it going. The Thing Which Follows is fairly reasonably as far as SNAPs go and won’t kill any of you, if you all just keep fucking. Did you ever stop and think that maybe we in the SNAP community needed a surefire way to keep you young people making new food? That’s The Thing Which Follows. We know, it’s not pleasant. We don’t like it either. It’s really awkward at parties.
5) Pass it along to a prostitute and/or sex addict.
Prostitutes and/or sex addict will certainly pass the invitation along to a client and/or prostitutes. This gives you crucial distance from The Thing Which Follows. Also, if the meat-sack the prostitute and/or sex addict passed the invitation along to dies, The Thing Which Follows will be transmitted back to the prostitute and/or sex addict and be transferred again, possibly without ever being noticed.
Pro tip: Use a high-end escort to stick it to “the man.”
6) Go to another country and pass it along to a prostitute.
Try Japan. We hear it’s lovely this time of year and The Thing Which Follows has never really gotten a chance to travel out of The States and its been stuck in Detroit for a while now. Let it explore new flavors… of culture.
If The Thing Which Follows does manage to feed on the high-end escort and/or sex addict you hired, it will have a long soggy walk back across the ocean to you. Maybe it will give up. I mean it’s physically impossible for it to give up, but maybe you’ll be tore to bits by a werewolf, bitten by a vampire, or devoured by a zombie before then. After all, you are a young, sexually active human person, something will eat you soon.
7) Give up.
Have you considered giving up? Maybe you’ll like being dead. I hear it’s peaceful.
Really, do you have anything to live for that’s better than… I don’t know, providing nourishment to your local chapter of supernatural non-human aggressive predators. Think of the lives you could save if you donated your blood to a vampire! Or distracted a werewolf on Bingo night at the senior center. You know, since you’re going to die anyway. When The Thing Which Follows catches up.
Jumping Whatsits in the Empress's Bed 